Upgraded Desktop to Feb version; won't open and throws error (Exception from HRESULT: 0x80070422)

I haven't been able to open my Power BI Desktop since I upgraded to the latest upgrade, Feb 2017. When I click "send frown" on the error message, it freezes there and I have to force it closed via Task Manager. I've tried submitting a support ticket several times on the site and it says "Error submitting request. Try again shortly." Google searches also fruitless. So now I'm here looking for help.

Here is my error message, copied in entirety:

Feedback Type:
Frown (Error)

Timestamp:
2017-02-14T15:55:23.5676092Z

Local Time:
2017-02-14T09:55:23.5676092-06:00

Product Version:
2.43.4647.541 (PBIDesktop) (x64)

Release:
February, 2017

IE Version:
11.0.9600.18282

OS Version:
Microsoft Windows NT 6.1.7601 Service Pack 1 (x64 en-US)

CLR Version:
4.6.1 or later [Release Number = 394271]

Workbook Package Info:
None

Peak Working Set:
158 MB

Private Memory:
137 MB

Peak Virtual Memory:
3.18 GB

Error Message:
The service cannot be started, either because it is disabled or because it has no enabled devices associated with it. (Exception from HRESULT: 0x80070422)

Error Code:
-2147023838 (0x80070422)

Stack Trace:
System.Runtime.InteropServices.COMException (0x80070422): The service cannot be started, either because it is disabled or because it has no enabled devices associated with it. (Exception from HRESULT: 0x80070422)
   at System.Management.ThreadDispatch.Start()
   at System.Management.ManagementScope.Initialize()
   at System.Management.ManagementObjectSearcher.Initialize()
   at System.Management.ManagementObjectSearcher.Get()
   at Microsoft.PowerBI.Client.Telemetry.PowerBITelemetryManager.GetProcessorInfo()
   at Microsoft.PowerBI.Client.Program.<>c__DisplayClassb.<Main>b__0()
   at Microsoft.Mashup.Host.Document.ExceptionHandlerExtensions.HandleExceptions(IExceptionHandler exceptionHandler, Action action)

Invocation Stack Trace:
   at Microsoft.Mashup.Host.Document.ExceptionExtensions.GetCurrentInvocationStackTrace()
   at Microsoft.Mashup.Client.ClientShared.StackTraceInfo..ctor(String exceptionStackTrace, String invocationStackTrace)
   at Microsoft.Mashup.Client.ClientShared.FeedbackErrorInfo..ctor(String message, Nullable`1 errorCode, String requestId, Exception exception)
   at Microsoft.Mashup.Client.ClientShared.UnexpectedExceptionHandler.<>c__DisplayClass1.<HandleException>b__0()
   at Microsoft.Mashup.Client.ClientShared.UnexpectedExceptionHandler.HandleException(Exception e)
   at Microsoft.Mashup.Host.Document.ExceptionHandlerExtensions.HandleExceptions(IExceptionHandler exceptionHandler, Action action)
   at Microsoft.PowerBI.Client.Program.Main(String[] args)

User ID:
f7bf7c48-0b7c-475c-8646-88867d2ee7ae

Session ID:
52678f67-a9b4-40d7-8969-7e6ca0c70dab

Telemetry Enabled:
True

DPI Scale:
125%

Supported Services:
Power BI